i am t ruthful but u npredictable, at times
i'm trying to do the r ight thing, n ow...
however, if i'm truthful all the time, then i will be seen as unusual...
so ultimately i have to become a liar some of the time, to balance things out...
as a result i feel like a schizo, some of the time...
my life is...

like jason bourne...
i've felt like this for a long time...
since i was child in fact...
new kid syndrome maybe...
it's like i am still moving, over and over again...
what am i thinking? i never stopped moving...
but then again...there were times when i did...

in fact i was able to really smell the roses a couple of times...
i walked the tracks of philadelphia...i walked the alleyways of dc...
i walked the jogger's routes in the suburbs of virginia...
i walked between and around the golf courses of delaware...
i walked with others through the trails of south carolina...
i've walked many long roads and as a result my legs...i have to ask them if they are tired because...
they literally move on their own now...
needless to say, the road marches of the army, depending on the environment and the equipment...
are nothing for me...

i walk time and time again...to these different places and to the same places...
i miss walking with her...i wish to walk with her once more...
i was an early four year old, with a tremendous amount of hyperactive energy...
and even til this day, i still remember when she took the stroller away...
i never got to thank her for that...it felt like she ripped out a piercing that faithful day...lol
but in reality, she was getting rid of a chain that would have held me back in the long run...
she knew what she was doing...i mean really knew...she knew i was gonna have to get around...
and things in this world weren't going to get any cheaper...she knew i was gonna struggle...
she knew then, i was going go insane, if i didn't find a release...for the many headaches this world had to offer...

i always tried to tell myself during my walks she was right there with me...
aways tried to fool myself into that kind of thinking...but i know...
she can't be here...i don't think she...can be in this world...it's too ugly...
i know she watching over me, however...from another place...
no, the one i've been walking with is God...but though his spirit she lives on...
in me and with me...

i know God is in me...
i know good and bad is in me...
i know how to lie and how to be true...
i knew i was gonna lose her but...
i think i can find happiness again...
i know they want me to...

but until then...

i am Truly Unsettled Right Now

to tell you the truth...i'm tired of obeying the rules...the rules of writing...the rules of what i'm suppose to wear...the rules the rules...right now i don't wanna follow MY rules...right now i wanna go out and knock on female's door and ask..." wanna do something"...

this is how i feel...what has following the rules got me up and til now...really...this is getting tiring and old...i can be...no scratch that...i can become Better than jay-z from this day forward... but then what kind of rules will i have to follow with that kind of status?

i want a turner import vehicle now...not for show...i wanna break a bunch of laws...go and drift race in a random parking garage in GERMANY not in japan or america...so when they finally catch up to me and eventually catch me...I can go crazy cursing them out in english and Spanish and they'll understand...almost every word...

let's face the facts: i'm young... so i'm automatically dumb...and since you're only young once...why not go overboard one year and just act out...act out of character...do what those guys in the movies do... when they go out and try reinvent or change themselves...when they change themselves...for better or for worst...they do and usually stick to it...which is...in some cases...respectable...in my book anyway...

my book of rules...should have more verses from the bible...it doesn't but it should...and it will one day...it has the ten commandments...it has some of america's reasonable laws...it has those rules from school... like no cheating off of other people's paper...it has those unwritten rules of the land...it contains my rules...

my book covers the many words to live by...i value the rules i live by...i try to follow them but sometimes they work me so hard...i have to get tired of them sooner or later...if they don't give me a break...then that's when it's time for me to... in turn... break them...

if rules are meant to be followed...and then eventually broken...then i don't want to place a whole bunch of fatigue on someone else...my book of rules will go unwritten...

hmm i don't like to smile either...even so i won't lie, i like it when most girls smile... especially if there cute/pretty/beautiful or whatever(which is the case here might i add)...however i can appreciate when girls don't want to smile...especially because i'm not the smiling type myself...i really do believe that smiling faces tell lies and because of that i don't usually go through life with a smile on my face for no reason...for me there has to be a reason...or you just won't catch me smiling...however, contrary to that last statement i've actually been doing it quite a bit this year...my pics don't lie...but it's also like i said before i need a reason...this whole year i've had a pretty good reason...i join the military this year and in doing so i realized early on that i might not get the chance to see some people for a long time. in some unfortunate cases maybe never again in this life...so i made a change in how i usually carried myself when i was around others and family and did what i did as little as possible for the last 10 years. i smiled...i can honestly say it's actually had a slight positive impact on my life...people give me a little more attention, than they did before...i'm not getting ask to smile... which was a recurring nuance for along time...i guess i can do it for as long as people appreciate it...

i'm in the army now what else can i say....hmmi'll get back to this a lil later...

I still have a lot to learn about podcasting but now I finally have a reason too...At first I didn't really care about podcasts. I was always hearing about them when I watched G4 but after that I had no further interest in it. I used to think to myself, even if I had a computer I'd still never be able to do some thing like that...For one thing I'd still need a webcam...This however is not true thanks to this site I just found out about Podomatic.com...So what got me into podcasting( lol it sounds funny just thinking about it)...Well for a couple of weeks for the past month I've been a babysitter. My cousin has four kids and him and his wife often need time to either get things done with their busy schedules or time for themselves. Like going out to a club, a movie or a concert...This was something I really didn't mind doing for them...1. because i'm just that kinda guy and 2. they're really cool people(great parents) who deserve a break ever once awhile 3. I'm looking for work anywhere I can get it...So from doing such a good job babysitting, my cousin the other day just up and gives me a 2GB Sansa Mp3(I know it's nothing compared to yall ipod/iphone users out there but)...That was very decent upgrade for me...I was previously just getting around with my 1GB Coby MP3. But it was getting pretty old and beat up, since getting last December...Not saying I didn't take care of it...heh...Well then again maybe I was a lil careless with it...(it sometimes turns off now if i brush up against it with my finger...(tsk tsk i know)...Anyway my Sansa can have podcasts on it and channels from rhapsody... it can also have radio from japan if i was over there...It's battery is recharged by my computer and the battery life is good i went all day about 6-8 hours of straight listening to it and only half the life was gone by that nite...I now can put all my songs off the windows media player on it and it still has about half GB of space on it...Well thanks to my very good cousin I'm now into podcasting

p.s. My first Podcast had 115 feed views...funny I like how this site works very simple anyone can do it...